


Awareness

by toujourpurs



Series: Was Lost, Now Found [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 00:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11657913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toujourpurs/pseuds/toujourpurs
Summary: No matter how emotionally stunted Sam acted like Steve was, Steve was aware enough to know that he was not completely all right. He could feel an emptiness that he constantly had to work hard to distract himself from.--or How Steve Searched for Bucky and Found Himself Along the Way





	Awareness

**Author's Note:**

> I once was lost but now am found,  
> Was blind, but now I see.
> 
> ("Amazing Grace", John Newton)

"I'm just going to head out for a run, Sam,” argued Steve, lacing his shows, “Nothing more, I promise."

"Man, we just went running this morning. It's not even been three hours," Sam replied, eyes trained on the college basketball game playing on the motel TV.

Steve didn’t care. He needed to get out of the room before he burst. The files he had been previously reading, detailing the Winter Soldier's missions from years 1960-69, had been discarded hastily on one of the beds. Steve has them memorized by now, but he's still searching for something, _anything_ in them that will help lead Sam and him to Bucky's location. He needs to know what happened during the years Bucky and he were separated and what he will be faced with when, not if, he finds Bucky. No matter how many times he reads through the mission reports and doctor's notes, it all still gets to be too much for Steve to process. That all of these atrocities were being committed against Bucky, his Bucky, for 70 years while Steve was sleeping in ice. The guilt for not grabbing Bucky in time, not throwing himself off the train after him, will never fade, no matter how many times Sam tries to convince Steve otherwise.

“I’ll be gone an hour at most. I know I don’t have the best track record, but honestly, how much trouble do you think I can get into?” questioned Steve.

Sam laughed, “Knowing you? World War III will start before you get out of the parking lot.”

“You’re so funny, Sam. When all of this is done, if you ever decide to leave the VA, you should seriously consider pursuing a career in stand-up,” said Steve sarcastically.

“Maybe I will,” Sam called as Steve left the room, “Hey! If I hear any gun shots, I’ll be sure to come save your ass, just so I can beat it myself for not being able to avoid trouble!”

Steve rolled his eyes and made sure to close the door a little more loudly than was necessary. It was not that Sam’s mother-hen routine bothered Steve. It was actually comforting in a way, reminding him of how Bucky treated him before the serum. He used to constantly check up on Steve, making sure he was warm enough in their small, draft apartment, not in too much pain, taken care of, loved. Bucky even knew to do it in a way that would not hurt Steve’s perpetually bruised ego, by ribbing him and never prodding too much when Steve would inevitably argue that he was fine. After the serum, Bucky was still watching him, always ready to provide Steve with whatever he might need, even though Steve was finally capable of holding his own for the first time in his life.

_“You could be ten feet tall and built like a tank, and I’d still look after you, Steve.” Bucky explained after the Howling Commando’s first mission together, “Now, it’s not that I don’t think you can take care of yourself, pal. It’s for my benefit just as much as it is for you.”_

Steve continued to protest when Bucky put himself in danger to protect Steve, but he made sure to never complain about it too much. After all, Steve would instinctively move to cover Bucky whenever he was nearby during a mission, and he didn’t want to sound like a hypocrite. 

When Steve came out of the ice, he didn’t have anyone who came close to having the type of easy friendship that Bucky and he had before and during the war. The Avengers and his SHIELD team were just his teammates, and he trusted and respected them, at least before he learned about Hydra’s infiltration. But even the Avengers were not close off the battlefield the way the Howling Commandos had been.

Steve never had an issue with that. He didn’t need friends. What he needed was a strong team that could get the job done with little difficulty. The Avengers were not perfect individually, and even together, the team still had its flaws. There, however, was no better team that Steve could imagine to fight alongside in the world today. When the fight was over, though, they would all go their separate ways. 

Steve would return to his empty apartment and try to fill his time with his hobbies – running, going to the gym, catching up on all of the movies and TV shows he had missed in the last 70 years. Everything he did, he did alone, which was definitely a new experience after the nearly two decades of him and Bucky practically living in each other’s pockets.

Steve didn’t mind being by himself. He wasn’t exactly fine with how things were, but that was on him. It wasn’t something that anyone else could fix for him.

No matter how emotionally stunted Sam acted like Steve was, Steve was aware enough to know that he was not completely all right. He could feel an emptiness that he constantly had to work hard to distract himself from. His mind would wander from the page of any book he was reading until he would suddenly come to and realize that he had been staring at the same sentence for several minutes. He would sit down to sketch something and not be able to bring his pencil to paper, all the muses that had kept him preoccupied when bed-ridden before the serum were gone.

Steve breathes out and stares at the trees bordering the parking lot of the motel. _When had he started looking forward to the next supervillain or disaster that would require his assistance?_ Steve knew that when he was in D.C. the thought of returning to his apartment filled him with dread because it meant he would not be doing anything meaningful. He had a mission given to him by Fury immediately after being woken up and that provided him focus. His work with SHIELD kept him busy and helped him feel like he was doing something that mattered.

He had nothing of his own that gave him that same feeling. Now, ever since his fight with the Winter Soldier on the freeway, he had a new mission, his most important one, and it was the one mission that he knew he could not fail. If he did not find Bucky soon, he wouldn’t know what to do.

Glancing at his wristwatch, Steve realized that he’d need to start his run soon before Sam started to worry about his absence. Steve sprinted through the backlot and onto the trail that led into the forest behind the motel. He focused all his attention on his feet hitting the dirt ground as he ran and tried his best to clear his mind.

-

Three minutes passed, and a man crept down from his perch on the balcony of one of the vacant motel rooms. The man followed Steve onto the trail, making sure to keep his tread silent so that the blond would remain unaware of his presence, at least for now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment constructive criticism!
> 
> This is the first story I have ever written, but I decided yesterday that writing might be a good tool to use to soothe my overactive imagination and help me build my attention span.
> 
> -
> 
> I am also looking for a beta (check for awkward wording, accurate character portrayals, and smooth plot flow). If you're interested, please send me a message!


End file.
